if you like me you must not know who I am
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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