You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
