I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
