Don't make out with my wife yet
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
