I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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