I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
