Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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