Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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