Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Randomize
