tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
