I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
