@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
