that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
