Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
