It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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