How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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