Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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