yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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