just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize