mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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