dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
