So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
