there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
my phone needs a breathalizer
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
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There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
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Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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