Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
