The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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