my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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