A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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