So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
tell me about the eggs
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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