She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
