You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
