i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
