I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
