I heard we made out
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
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You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
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My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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