if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
