two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
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