i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
