I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
