my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
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