Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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