I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
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