goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
