3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
