: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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