whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
worst night to have a conscience
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
