mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
