you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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