Dude my mom stole all your condoms
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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