I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
