Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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