thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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