I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
