took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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