She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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