member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
