im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
