i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
FUCK WHALES
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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