Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
