im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
