Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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