I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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