On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I think I won the penis lottery.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
My vagina just recognized that song.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Randomize
