...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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