i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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