if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
